Love and Absence
Nobody has it all together. I learnt that lesson following the tragic death of a much-respected teacher–colleague years ago.
Collaborating on Art
The Power of Creative Expression
I used the phrase ‘Nobody has it all together’ in my poem ‘We Are Leaves’. (Musician Paul Hulm and I have collaborated on a new recording of the poem. He works his magic on the guitar while I narrate the words. We’re proud of it. You can listen to it on Sound Cloud https://soundcloud.com/joe-armstrong-410122199. Or simply click the embedded audio below. Hope you like it!)
Personal Struggles and Separation
Reflections on Family and Distance
I was reminded that ‘Nobody has it all together’ this morning, as I reflected on my past week.
The love of my life, Ruth, is in Australia, with our exceptional daughter, Sarah. I miss them both. But not enough for me to want to be in Australia! Ruth and I discussed whether just one or both of us would fly to the other side of the world and we decided, together, that only Ruth would travel on this occasion.
The Challenge of Interdependency
My ‘foster mother’ Marie said, in advance, that I would miss my wife. And I do. I’m out of sorts, discombobulated.
Love, at its best, is interdependency. And so when one’s soulmate is gone for a month, and is very far away, it’s like two celestial bodies that ordinarily spin around each other getting knocked out of orbit (like the picture at the top of this Substack).
Coping with Absence
Finding Solace in Routine
It’s why, with apologies, I didn’t do my Substack last week. I journaled on 4 May: ‘I did not do my Substack yesterday. I felt disorientated all day and night. I lay awake till late. I also wolfed down 10 chocolate sweets on Thursday and scoffed an entire large Easter egg!’
‘I’m not OK’, would be overstating it. Ruth hasn’t died: she’s on holiday, spending time with our amazing daughter.
Managing Loneliness
Our dog, too, isn’t his usual self. He has been clingy, keeping so close to my ankles that, at times, I’m nearly tripping over him in the kitchen.
Understanding Love and Connection
A Temporary Separation
I’m aware of those who have lost a loved one forever, who know that the beloved will never return. Mine is an absence, not a sundering; temporary, not permanent.
Love’s Energy and Impact
It's the ache of love. Love is a pooling of energy, sovereignty and presence, sharing space, responsibilities and tasks. The tapestry is torn when the beloved is absent.
Moments of Joy
A Visit from a Fox
I journaled on 5 May: ‘I saw and videoed a fox in our garden this morning at about 5.30am. I’d woken and remembered it was Dawn Chorus Day. I turned on the radio and listened for a while.
Listening to the Dawn Chorus
‘I then decided to listen to our own Dawn Chorus. I recorded on the Merlin App for an hour. While listening with my office window open, I spotted the fox—three times. I videoed him once.
‘Later, when I let Paddy out, he charged to the South West corner of our garden, either because he saw the fox or a rabbit.’
Finding Balance in Life
Juggling Time Zones and Adjusting to Absence
On Bank Holiday Monday, 6 May, I journaled: ‘Last night, I was at the Dublin Story Grand Slam at the Abbey Theatre. Mairead Murphy won it. An utterly superb speech.’ Check out the superb Dublin Story Slam Podcast.
‘I have no regrets about deciding not to go to Australia. But, of course, life without Ruth is less pleasant than life with Ruth. I was telling someone that I’m disorientated since Ruth flew to Oz, not least because at one stage I was trying to figure out three time zones: Ireland, Dubai and Australia.
‘Ruth and I enjoy a loving, interdependent marriage; which, in my view, is the best type of healthy marriage and relationship.’
Finding Comfort in Gratitude
My journal continued: ‘I am so lucky. I’m healthy. I am beyond lucky in my marriage to Ruth. I’ve written several books. I’ve planted lots of trees. I’ve fathered our children. I love our home, this “teepee” Ruth and I dreamt up, designed, built and live in.
‘I’m a writer. I’m writing what I want to write. I’ve written songs, poetry, podcasts and a documentary. I’m living my dream life.
Looking Ahead
A Writer's Journey
‘As a writer, I’m wondering what I’ll write next. Will it be a third memoir? That is my USP, my singularity, my one and only life; my words created in my journal of self-discovery.
‘What did I learn in my life from 1995 to the present day?
‘My first memoir ended with me leaving Ireland, alone, stepping into my unknown future, aged 27. I was taking leave of absence from the Marists. I was trusting myself, maybe for the first time. I had listened to my gut and come to my honest judgement, emerging from within. I was jumping into life.
‘The second memoir also ended with a jump. Ruth and I both left our permanent, pensionable jobs. We trusted ourselves, our marriage, intelligence and desires. We left England and returned to Ireland, the land of our birth, dreaming of our “teepee”, and me earning my living as a writer.
The Challenges of Writing Memoirs
‘Will Book 3 be the final memoir? If so, it’ll cover from July 1995 to 2025—a 30-year period. So there’s the challenge—one more memoir. What happened after the boat for Ireland in 1995? What did I learn? What might anyone else learn from my life? What might I yet learn from it?
‘Twenty-five years of journals to read. A quarter of a century as lived by an ordinary yet exceptional life—because each person is that—original, never-to-be-repeated, one of a kind.
‘Obviously, I’ve no idea what the title would be. I’m not sure what the theme would be. Nor the turning points. What feeling would I like the reader to have by the end of the book?
I welcome any suggestions you may have!
Happy days,
Joe
Saved by a Woman is available on Amazon in Kindle, Paperback, and Hardback editions.
In My Gut, I Don’t Believe is available on Amazon in Kindle, Paperback, Hardback and Audible editions.
If you go to Amazon and it says a particular edition isn’t available, simply change the domain name or territory in the URL or address bar. For instance, change "Amazon.co.uk" to "Amazon.com" or "Amazon.de" etc.
You can listen to fascinating questions about godlessness at the launch of the first memoir, In My Gut, I Don’t Believe, on the Losing My Religion Podcast or watch it on YouTube.
You can listen to more fascinating questions at the launch of Saved by a Woman on the Losing My Religion Podcast or the Joe the Human post and Podcast.
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